I have always been a very neurotic person, even since childhood. I think I’ll always be neurotic, it’s so ingrown as part of my personality. I never really thought I go places. The world was so big, and so scary! There was no way someone like me could go travelling!
As I’m getting older, my neuroticism is changing. I feel unsettled in my life, about many, many things. Maybe it’s due to a lot of change at one time-I’ve never been great with change, after all. I’ve noticed lately that the idea of not having a trip planned is unsettling. I feel like sometimes I’m stuck here and the idea of not having a trip planned, an escape, is more scary than it should be.
I panic that I’m wasting my time. I’ve never been able to see myself past a certain age and I’m catching up fast. I panic that I’m not doing enough, but when I go to do day trips and the like I worry I don’t have the money and so end up staying in. I have so many ideas, but they appear half formed, and I run out of steam. I have two complete scripts, but I’m terrified to submit them places, or even show them to someone, and I don’t think I have the capability to make them. I just stuck in my self-created web of neuroticism, and I don’t always know how to get out.
Neuroticism is part of me. It will always be part of me.I just have to learn how to deal with it.
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