Productivity, Mental Health and the Yearning to Improve

(aka The Blog Post With All The Links)

I had an amazingly productive day on Sunday.

I let the cats out for the first time and wrote a blog post about it, edited three vlogs (including my Disneyland Paris one!), edited two chapters of a friend’s novel, wrote  a short screenplay and recovered a lot of lost information for one of my shelved screenplays (I’m hoping to come back to it at some point). I was so happy, and felt like I have found my creative groove again.

On Monday, I wanted to continue this streak and write either another short, or continue with one of my WIPs. However, something quite serious came up. I won’t elaborate on it, but it’s looking like this may go on for a while. It massively threw me and significantly drained me mentally, and I spent the evening somewhat in shock. Needless to say, I didn’t write anything.

Tuesday was quite difficult. Everything kinda caught up with me and I struggled even to get through my usual work hours. I was a real mess but I have some great friends who sorted me out. I still wasn’t able to write but it did get me back to thinking about what I want to do with my screenplays, and ultimately what I want to do.

Normally in this kind of situation, I would take time out and sit and think and research until I knew everything about this topic and situation. I don’t think this is the same kind of thing. I think this is a gut thing, and my gut is telling me one thing, and my head is telling me another and my anxiety is telling me to run. If I follow my gut I’m going into uncharted territory for me, and that is terrifying and it makes me want to run away. I can’t do that anymore.

I genuinely don’t know what I am going to do yet. I’m scared at even bringing this stories into the world; I just want them to be perfect. However, if I did decide to make them, it would be an amazing, completely different experience. I learnt so much in my degree about different experiences and how they can change a person so much, and I felt that if I were to make or sell a film, it would improve not only my technical filmmaking skills or my people skills, but also me as a person. I could learn so much and grow from any opportunity I take, which is really what I want to focus on this year. I’m trying to use this week as a catalyst to grow and improve myself, rather than regress back into severe depression again.

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