I have always wanted to be a writer. I have been writing stories since I was six. It’s the thing I love to do, and it makes me really feel like I have a purpose. Being creative is when I’m truly me.
When I was younger my life goal was to publish a book. And in 2015, I Did. It wasn’t how I expected it, mainly because I decided to self publish as an eBook, but I am a published author. However, it didn’t give me the satisfaction I expected, and I think this is because my goals have changed.
I did a screenwriting module in my second year of university, and I felt in love with storytelling all over again. In the high of my mental illness, the time when I was depersonalised and so not creative and fighting to stay alive, I found something that I fell in love with again. It kept me alive because I knew I was supposed to tell stories. And I feel so much more fulfilled now that I’m writing scripts. I actually write a lot more now.
So far I have a few completed short films and a half finished script to my name, along with several other WIPs that are in early stages or planning stages. I’m getting to a point where I want to show them off, I’m proud of them and I think they need to be told. The only problem is that I don’t know how to do that.
I get very involved in my stories. I always have; I’ve always seen my stories almost in camera shots. I know exactly the camera angles I would use in certain scenes of Iris, for example. Iris exists in my brain not only in its current draft form but also in its possible finished form, and I can see it exactly. A part of me says that I have to be the one to make it; if anyone else did it it wouldn’t be completely right. And yes, filmmaking has always crossed my mind and it would be really exciting and an amazing experience. But I’ve always been an analytical person, I have an academic degree instead of a practical one, and although I have an idea on how to make a film (let’s face it, I could probably figure it out), I would have no idea what to do with it afterwards. I’ve always felt more comfortable writing rather than making films. And the this the financial aspect, and the strain on my mental health would be massive, and I don’t want to risk my health. The logical part in me says to sell the films. I could become a somewhat successful writer this way, there’s less risk and I would be comfortable this way. But then the films wouldn’t ever be perfect to me;they would never be just right. I just worry I would regret it. And then there’s the fact that I would have no idea where even to begin to start…
What would you do in this type of situation? Have you ever taken a big risk, and did it pay off? If you were in my shoes, would you regret it?